My emotions are all over the place these days. I am genuinely happy for all the women I know who are expecting, but I must admit I am so jealous. Why not me Lord? Why not me?
A co-worker ticked off a list of all the reasons 'it is ridiculous' for me to try to get pregnant. I felt so defeated after listening to that list. I came home and got a hug from Allyson and just cried and had a horrible migraine. Yeah...having a currently unemployed husband and a daughter who is a freshman in college, it may not be the best time. But I am running out of time quickly.
If everyone waited until everything was perfect to have a child, there would be a lot of people without kids.
I just keep beating myself up for my past. I feel like damaged goods. I know God has forgiven me for choices I made, but I haven't forgiven myself.
I try to imagine the future and I want it to include another child so badly. Unfortunately, Jim & I may need IVF in order for that to become a reality. We don't happen to have $15-20 grand handy.
God, I am trusting in You.