Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I thought I was good with not having another child. I am not. I absolutely adore my daughter Allyson, and I am eternally grateful I had her. But I was so young when I had her and too young to really appreciate and enjoy the joy of being pregnant. I hated maternity clothing. I just felt "fat" instead of enjoying my growing belly. I didn't fully fathom that when you are pregnant, it's a time in life where you are being a co-creator with God! How exciting is that!?!? And being as young as Allyson's Dad & I were, we couldn't afford to both take the time off for Doctors appointments. So he went to 1 appointment with me, the one where the pregnancy was confirmed. Of course he was there at her birth as well. We stressed out much of the pregnancy. We were two young kids who didn't quite know the change we were in store for.
I am now happily married to a man who has never had a child. He's never held his own child in his arms and heard first words, witnessed first steps, heard the words "I love you Daddy". He wants so badly to experience the joys and even the frustrations of parenthood. He loves my daughter as his own. But he came into her life when she was a pre-teen. He knows full well she has a Dad and he has never pushed her to call him Dad, only to respect his authority as a step-parent. It's been hard for him to feel left out, because Allyson almost always comes to me for things. When she is truly ticked at me, then...she will talk with Jim.
So last week Jim voiced his feelings that he knows I am dealing better with our infertility issues than he is. He is not ready to call it quits and wants us to discuss our options with our Doctors. When he told me this, it was like yanking a bandage off a wound still healing and ripping the wound open again. I am good at stuffing my feelings down deep and not talking about them, other than to God. God knows my desires for another child, but I haven't talked about it to anyone else. I feel selfish, especially around people who have never been able to conceive. I am blessed with a daughter. And I also HATE hearing things like "Are you crazy?" "You really want another child?" "Ally graduated, your done!" I am only 38 years old. Yes, a little older, but not too old. One of my most dear friends is a bit older than I and she is pregnant right now. I am so excited and happy for her. I know so many who have recently had children or are currently pregnant. I am happy for them, but I admit, I wish I could be one of them.
Jim wrote me a letter after we suffered a miscarriage reminding me that we believe in the God of Abraham and Sarah and that with God all things are possible. Today, our Pastor's devotional was about having the faith of a child, and having absolutely no doubt of God's power. So that is what I am working on. Laying all my anxiety and stress at the foot of the cross and believing in God. I know God is capable of giving us another child, but He may have other plans for us. I pray that whatever His will is, I will find peace and acceptance.