Waiting For Our Life To Be Our Own

Everytime the Holidays roll around, I get so melancholy. I used to LOVE the Holidays, but living with my MIL has stripped some of that joy. I know I am losing focus on what the Holidays are truly about and I need to work on that.

I cannot wait to decorate my home how I want it decorated and create our own traditions. My MIL collects Santas and I kid you not, she literally has hundreds of them. We remove family photos and box them up to make room for them to go in every nook and cranny all over the place. Yes, it is festive looking, and yes, my husband likes it too, but ARGH!!! I want a REAL tree and I want to come home from work and snuggle with my husband on our own couch, in our own decorated place and not feel like I take second place. Ever since we married, we decorate every year with a dozen huge plastic bins full of her things. Everything seems to have its place, but I feel out of place.

I asked my husband last night if he honestly thinks we will ever move out. He answered emphatically YES. He is hoping that when he is able to get a job that we can move out next summer. Oh I hope so!!! We paid a bunch of bills off, which is impressive since he's been out of work for almost 2 years. But we just keep plugging away and have 7 bills gone I believe.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to a craft fair for my friend. I was looking forward to it, but didn't end up going. MIL is sick with a really bad cold and Jim ended up going with her to the urgent care. Yes, he's a good son and I told him to go ahead and take her, that I would skip the fair. But there are many other occasions where she seems to have his attention and I feel second. I thought when we got married it meant that he picked me...but the whole leave your parents and cleave to your wife thing didn't quite happen for us since we've never left.

Trust

I got a book from the author Sheila Walsh that is all about learning to truly trust in God. Man, do I need to read this and learn from it. I have been struggling with this issue for many years, but much more recently. My husband is going on almost 2 years without a job. God has been so good & provided for us during his unemployment with the EDD checks. But those checks are gonna run out really soon. I'm getting really stressed out about what's gonna happen when we don't have those unemployment checks coming.

I REALLY don't want to keep living with his mother. It shouldn't be. When you get married you are supposed to leave your mother & father and cleave to your spouse, but in our case, the cord was never cut. It's a daily struggle for me to balance being a wife, mother and daughter in law, when I am so resentful of our living situation.

I had a co-worker from another office tell me that Jim & I shouldn't have gotten married if we can't afford to live alone. It really pissed me off at the time, but I can't help but think about that sometimes. I love my husband, and I don't regret marrying him, but I wonder if we had waited to marry until we could afford to live on our own...would we be married? Would Jim have maybe worked harder knowing I wouldn't say "I Do" until we had our own place? Have we lived so long with her that he's just gotten too comfortable with this arrangement? I can't continue like this. I really need him to get a good paying job and get our finances and priorities in check so we can one day experience living on our own. I live in fear of never having that. I don't want to live with resentment and regrets for the rest of my life. I hate that a word that is supposed to not be in my vocabulary is creeping into my thoughts the longer this goes on.

Lord help me fight these negative thoughts and stay strong & cling to You. I have to trust in God to pull us through this season of our lives. I need to trust that God has a job somewhere out there for Jim. I have to trust in that, because right now my trust is shot in ever getting out of here without some divine intervention. Something that was supposed to be a year has been 8. FRUSTRATED, ANGRY, BITTER, RESENTFUL and really hate feeling this way.

Double Digits Have Been Achieved!!!

So I am down 10 pounds! Double digits!!! You know, I am so excited about that fact, but I am even more excited to give all the glory to God. Seriously, because I have very little willpower when it comes to food. I have always been at one extreme or the other; eating too much or way too little. But I am eating between 1500-1800 calories a day, feeling full & satisfied and I am losing the weight. I have walked into the cafeteria at work while the cook had the entire flat top covered with cooking bacon and I was able to appreciate the wonderful smell, but just walk through to fill up my water bottle and walk away. Yep, that victory belongs to God, because if left to my own will…I SO would have bought some bacon!

Cool thing!!! A woman that is in my small group but who has been traveling for the past few weeks, saw me at church and said “Are you losing weight?” YES!!! YES I AM!!!! But I had an opportunity to share with her how I am doing it and she told me it was definitely a Divine appointment that I told her how I am doing it. She too struggles with her weight like so many of us do. But I told her that I am not doing any specific diet, no pills, fads, etc. I am watching what I eat and making very conscious decisions about what I put in my mouth. “Is this good for me?” “Is there nutritional value to this?” “Will this nourish me?” Because if it doesn’t meet that, why do I want to put it in my body? I want to break the cycle of self loathing I have had because I overeat foods that are processed, fried, filled with empty calories and no nutritional value. You feel disgusting after you eat them, you unbuckle your pants or wear elastic pants to hide the bloat. And then the same conversation over and over in my head “Why did you eat that? I will NEVER do that again”…until the next time I do!

I have been packing my lunch just about every day the past few weeks. I am very intentional when I shop and when I pack my lunches. I make sure to pack colorful attractive things, like a beautiful red & gold fuji or gala apple, some bright green sugar snap peas (YUM!!!) a bowl of flavorful soup, or a green salad with some tuna, juicy tomatoes and some garbanzo beans, or maybe a sandwich with whole grain bread and lots of produce added. I even bought some light provolone to have an enjoyable piece of cheese vs. a processed piece of fat free orange “stuff”. I am enjoying the variety of meals I am packing. When I used to go out to eat it was typically Taco Bell, Chinese food or a burger joint. I almost never went to Subway. That is the one place I have gone last week for lunch and I thoroughly enjoyed my turkey & avocado 6” sub.

Before I eat, and throughout the day I thank God for giving me fullness, not just in my stomach. I have been guilty of eating too much in the past because I was trying to fill up holes in my life only God can fill, like my head and my heart. I am no longer eating to fill any voids, I am asking God to keep changing me, to confront me with areas I need to submit and trust in Him to change me into a new creation. These three songs have lyrics that just really speak to the changes I am going through and my daily reliance on God to carry me through it all. Check them out if you aren't familiar with them. GREAT MUSIC!

The Stand by Hillsong United

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours


The Only Hope by Bebo Norman

I want to run, it's my nature to run
And I want to fight, it's my nature to fight
And I want to live, but You tell me to die
I have resolved that I'm much better off
In Your hands than mine

I want a crumb, but You are a feast
I want a song, but You are a symphony
I want a star, but You are a galaxy

And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what You have for me
I'm begging You to hold on tight
Begging You to hold on tight
Begging You to hold on tight
Begging You to take my life from me
So tell me You won't let go
Tell me You won't let go
Cause You are the only hope for me

Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more


From the Inside Out – Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace

In my heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out

Connection Has Been Made

I have struggled with my weight for years. I am ashamed to say I have gained 70 pounds in the last 8 years. I know my exact weight from my wedding day and I realize I have gained just under 10 lbs. per year of my marriage. That works out to less than a pound a month, so I see how it just crept up. My husband loves fried food, burgers and pizza. So to accomodate his likes, I have changed my habits to his bad ones and I have eaten horribly since we got married. But you know what, I can't blame him. I am an adult and I made poor choices to get to where I am. I have to take ownership of my situation and resolve to do something about it.

I have been desiring to finally get serious about losing weight for the last month or so. I am just kind of disgusted with myself (but in a good way). Is there a good way of being disgusted with yourself? Hmm. I have always wanted some quick fix. I have bought diet pills, shakes, etc. I definitely don't EVER want to get a gastric bypass, but I really was mad that Kaiser Permanente won't cover the costs for a Lap Band. But you know what? I don't want the Lap Band. I don't want surgery. I don't want to have some foreign object stuck in my body, possible complications, constant maintenance, etc. I don't want to not be able to enjoy an actual meal with my husband or my family at the Holidays. I don't want to have to permanently eliminate foods from my diet.

Anyways, I have really felt God pushing me to think of the real reasons I have gained so much weight. There is no magic pill. I need to pray and seek Gods help in helping me to let go of all the shame, guilt & issues I have. I have to actually give it all to Him. That right there is a big weight I carry around that is SO unneccesary.

I attended the Women of Faith conference last weekend in Anaheim, CA. Many of the speakers really got to me. God spoke through them and I finally heard and made the connection. I need to completely trust in God and let go of my will. I keep thinking "...some day" "I'll start later", etc. But nothing is guaranteed. So I started! No more excuses. I even was able to make an appointment first thing Monday morning for lab work. I fasted Sunday night and went in to the docs first thing on Monday and I am so happy that my cholesterol and glucose are GREAT! That was a burden removed. Now I know that my weight loss efforts are going to make my numbers even better. I haven't done major damage yet.

I have already lost 6 lbs. this week! I know it won't keep coming off that fast, but it is a very encouraging start. My goal is to be fit & fabulous by 40. I have 553 days until I am 40. That's a lot of time to make it happen. No excuses!

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Even If!!!

After camp every summer our church lets the kids take over the service on a Sunday for a youth led service. This year we kept the Jr. Camp presentation fairly short. We shared a short slide show of pictures from camp and then Matt, Mark & I each shared some things with the congregation. The youth pastor shared a short message about the week the Jr. & Sr. High kids had at camp. His message is still sticking with me and I know it’s because I need to hear it and let it work on me. His message was on the passage in Daniel about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego before they were thrown into the fiery furnace. When confronted by King Nebuchadnezzar they told him they believed God was able to save them from their fate, but even if He does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods. Brian asked us to think about our “even ifs”. Wow! I definitely have some even ifs that I have let come between me and my God. God is a big guy, He can handle little ol’ me being mad at him. But I shouldn’t EVER put conditions on my love for Him. What if He did that to me? Surely I would never measure up, because I screw up time and time again. But I have let my fertility, my living situation, my husbands’ lengthy unemployment all become points of contention between me and God. I have said in my head and my heart “If God really loved me, then I would get pregnant, have my own home and a gainfully employed husband.” But I can’t put those conditions on Him and He doesn’t put them on me. I need to come to a place where I don’t let ANYTHING come between me and my love and worship of my Savior, my King, my God. Do you have things in your life coming between you and your relationship with God? Will you love Him “even if” things never go the way you want them too?

Summer Camp at Victory Ranch

I haven’t written in my blog for a long time. I have had a lot going on. I had tons of work to do in mid July to get ready to take a week off of work July 25 – July 31 to take a group of 20+ 3rd thru 6th graders to camp. It was a great week! We went to a new camp this summer since our old camp is no longer offering a local summer camp. We went to a place called Victory Ranch in Moreno Valley. There are things I missed about Centri-Kid, but mostly they were the modern conveniences of staying on a beautiful college campus vs. going to an actual ranch for camp. At Centri-kid I had my own room in our cottage, we had air conditioning, three full bathrooms, our porches, full kitchens and refrigerators. Ahhh, those were the days! But the kids really longed for a camp that was really “camp”. They got that at Victory Ranch for sure. When we arrived at camp you drive down a dusty road and encounter a cow pasture, horse stables and all the aromas that accompany cows & horses. We stayed in cabins with swamp coolers, we had invasions of biting red ants, we played games that the kids loved but the parent in me found disgusting or dangerous. The game “rhino snot” is forever engraved in my memory. Our clothes smelled so horrible after a week of sweating, playing with food, mud, riding horses, etc. We got home on Saturday late afternoon and on Sunday at church all the parents talked about how bad the laundry duties were. But it’s been a month since camp and the kids still want to share with me every chance they get about how much fun they had at camp. I am so grateful to have a job where I earn a lot of leave and am able to use my leave to take this great bunch of kids to camp each summer.

The Existence of Evil

In the news lately there have also been a lot of reports on the actor Mel Gibson. He divorced his wife of over 30 years recently and began dating a Russian singer. They have a baby daughter together. Recordings have come out on a website called radaronline.com that I heard of him cursing his girlfriend out. His language & tone of voice are frightening. This is definitely a man unhinged. When I have read Bible stories of people possessed by demons...that is how Mel sounds in the recording. He is huffing & puffing & screaming and foul words are just spewing like venom from his lips.

Back in the day Mel was an exceedingly good looking man. He seemed so charming, and those blue eyes & smile of his aren't hard on the eyes. However, the revelations about him & his hard drinking ways the past few years cannot be ignored. The years haven't been kind to him and he looks horrible. People want to make excuses for him and say "It's the alcohol". Yes...the alcohol is a factor, but I don't think the alcohol invents these things he says. The alcohol may magnify them, or remove his ability to hide them or show any tact. So when he is drunk he no longer has the ability to censor himself and he says the most vile and racist things. He has been abusive and hit this woman, even when she was holding his little baby in her arms.

It's so sad that his legacy & witness are being destroyed by his behavior. This man has done some wonderful films. Films he's acted in or things he's produced & directed like The Passion of the Christ. Wow, how far he has fallen.

I will NEVER spend another penny on something he is in. I don't know if I will even have the opportunity too. His agency dropped him and I think this latest incident will mean the end of his career. I feel sorry for his children, he has many. I can't imagine going through life being so ashamed of my father.