A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step

Search me and know me O God, know my anxious heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24



“With men it is impossible, but to God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26


I am looking down a short path to being 40 (March 23, 2012) and I am tired of looking and feeling like I do. It’s time. Yes, I’ve thought other times were ‘the time’, but this is different. I am finally acknowledging that I have no one to blame for this but myself. Any so called wrongs that have been done to me are well in my past and I have had EVERY opportunity to lay them at the foot of the cross and unburden myself. But I just got too comfortable with carrying that extra weight. I carried around all my past bad choices and stupid mistakes around like a big boulder. The weight continually reminded me of how many times I’ve failed. It’s exhausting carrying it around and then I realized I have the choice to set that boulder down. I don’t have to carry it anymore. So instead of beating myself up again with “How could I have let this happen?” I will be spending time craving God instead. I have discovered that I am physically overweight, but I am spiritually underweight and malnourished.


I just finished reading Sandi Patty’s book “The Edge of the Divine” and a paragraph from her book really stood out to me. “Weight loss is a journey that teaches you to act in a way that confirms what you say your priorities are. Your top priority is to love and serve God. To act on that priority, you need to choose actions that honor and care for the body He has given you, so that you are able to use it in His service. You also need to be healthy so you can use your body to cherish and support the wonderful husband, family and friends God has given you.”


My priorities…well they’ve lately been sitting in front of the TV, cooking good tasting but very unhealthy foods, and spending time on the internet. I’ve said that God comes first in my life, but the choices I make don’t reflect my priorities. I might have said that God was my number one, but my choices show that food has become my Comforter in Chief.


One thought keeps coming to me when I think of Jesus’ death for me. Jesus didn’t go through that ordeal so I could merely survive. He did it so I could have life and have it more abundantly.


I haven’t had much in the way of self esteem for most of my life. This is my own issue. Instead of seeing my worth in Gods eyes and recognizing myself as a child of God, I let the fact that my birth father wouldn’t acknowledge me tarnish my view of myself. “If your own father doesn’t love you, why would any other man?” So I dated like crazy starting in junior high. I tried so hard to stay skinny, because I didn’t see I had worth other than in how I looked. Sad. I went through 2 divorces before I finally realized the man God intended for me all along was there the whole time as one of my best friends.


“My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:7


I am reminded of the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19. I want so much to be closer to God. God tells me in order to get closer to Him I need to give up the very things I crave (food) and come follow Him. But He wants me to follow Him with undivided attention. Mark 8:34 says “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”


With Jesus, if I want to gain I need to give up. If I want to be filled I must deny myself. If I want to get closer to God I need to distance myself from other distractions. If I want to conquer my cravings, I need to direct them towards God.


God made us capable of craving so we’d have an unquenchable desire for more of Him and Him alone.

Women of Faith Weekend

My daughter and I attended the Women of Faith conference this weekend at the Honda Center in Anaheim, CA.  Wow!  Each women gave me something to think about and I kind of feel like a bit of a mess.  This is a good thing though! 

I learned from Brenda Warner to live a life with integrity and honor and just be myself.  And to keep focusing on the positive even when life hands you more than you think you can handle.

I learned from Lisa Whelchel that I need to nurture my relationships with other women I know and find someone safe and find a "bestie".  I have lots of female friends, but I wouldn't know who to call to meet me for coffee.  I wouldn't know who to go to when I really needed someone.  I either hold things in until I explode, I talk to my husband, I journal and of course I pray.  But I'd really life to be the kind of friend I want.  The last female best friend I had went and married my ex-husband.  So yeah...

Patsy Clairmont finds the humor in anything even in the midst of horrible circumstances.  She trusts in Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, the sweetest name she knows.

Marilyn Meburg is just one feisty older woman and I hope I am half as strong and graceful as she is when I reach her age.

Sandi Patty really spoke to my heart too.  She has struggled with her weight for years.  Her doctor told her she was cheating her family of years of life with her if she continued on the path she was on.  I don't want Allyson to have to bury me for many many years.

So I have work to do.  I have lots of books to read that I got from each of these speakers.  Lots of prayer and honest self reflection. 

Amy Grant and Mandisa sang and both sang meaningful songs to me.  Mandisa sang "Shackles" and I forget many a time that God has freed me from shackles.  The shackles I wear now are my own and I need to remove them.  Amy Grant sang "Better Than A Hallelujah" which I love.  I know God loves to hear our praise as well as our prayers, but I know God has got to rejoice when we honestly just cry out from our soul to Him. 

Lots to Catch Up On!

Wow, I know I had a busy summer, but I just noticed that I haven't posted since May. In June, Jamey & I went on an Alaskan cruise and had a wonderful time. I will post some pics later, maybe tonight. It was my first cruise and I loved each & every minute of the trip. We flew up to Seattle, WA and had gorgeous blue skies. We had a day and a half at sea. Standing on the deck and seeing nothing but ocean surrounding you is so humbling. I recommend a cruise to everyone. These cruise ships are HUGE, but when you are surrounded by nothing but water, it makes you realize how small you are and just how BIG our God is. Our first port was Juneau, Alaska and again, beautiful weather which is very rare for Juneau. We toured the town, went 2000+ feet up the side of Mt. Roberts in a cable tram car and toured an abandoned gold mine. Our next port was Skagway and we toured the town and took an old train up into the Canadian Yukon. It was gorgeous. I spent the whole train ride out on the little balcony of our traincar. I took thousands of pictures of the scenery. We then sailed down the Tracy Arm Fjord and had spectacular views of the Sawyer Glacier. Our Captain told us in all his years of doing that particular cruise, he was never able to get so close to the glacier and have such cooperative weather. It was COLD, but clear. There were mini icebergs floating all around is with momma seals and their babies (some giving birth!!!) and we saw fledgling eagles. Some of the ice was melting so there were waterfalls all over the cliff faces. A big hunk of the glacier calved while we were there and the ice behind it was the most incredible blue you've ever seen. Our final port was Victoria, British Columbia. I didn't know what to expect of Canada, but I loved it. Such a great town, nice people, and so scenic. We did a tour and saw Tom Selleck's house (not too shabby!), we saw a nesting bald eagle, toured the Empress Hotel which is beautiful and also toured Craigdarroch Castle. I wanted to move there until our bus driver told us very matter of factly how it costs more than half what you make to live there in taxes, etc. No thanks, it's expensive enough here.. After coming home from Canada, I came down with bronchitis and was sick for a week from work, but the coughing didn't stop for a good month. I hate bronchitis! Inn July I went to summer camp with my 3rd through 6th graders from church. Jim couldn't come this year, so Matt & Eric came along as the two male leaders. They were excellent. Allyson came with me for the first time as a co-leader and she was such a blessing. Yes, we butted heads a few times, but we both brought out the best in each other too. Allyson led the girls in a great devotional one of the nights that had the girls crying & laughing over Psalm 139. She took hundreds of amazing pictures I will cherish from our week. She is so talented with her picture taking. But my body betrayed me when I got home from camp. It seems my immune system took a dive after the bronchitis, so in its weakened state, I caught a horrible staph infection from camp. I woke up the day after coming home covered in red spots. I thought it was hives, then possibly chicken pox, nope...staph. NO FUN AT ALL!!!! I praise the Lord I have a great boss and a job where I earn a ton of leave because between my cruise, camp and being sick, I took over a month of leave! So most of August has been focused on resting and recuperating. I finally feel normal again, well not that I have ever been normal :)

Author I Discovered & LOVE!!!

I got a Nook Color for Christmas, and I am pretty much NEVER without it. I take it to & from work daily and I simply devour books even more than I did before I had it. I LOVE reading, but even buying books from the Friends of the Library store and Goodwill can be expensive when you can easily read a book in a day like I do. So I love finding sites with free book downloads. I discovered this author Heather Huffman and 4 free downloads she has. I read them all this week and I was always a little sad at the end. She writes in such a way that you really get to know the characters and you don't want their story to end. I WANT SEQUELS!!! I want to know more about their happy endings. She doesn't charge for the books because she hopes to encourage her readers to donate to causes she believes in like World Vision. I was more than happy to donate, because I too am a big fan of World Vision and the work they accomplish. So, if anyone reading this downloads one or all of her books, let me know what you think.

135 Photo Challenge

My husband and I recently bought a really nice Nikon D3100 and we are having fun with it. I've noticed all these photo challenges on Facebook and I compiled a list of 135 photo challenges I want to complete within a year from today.

1 A day your remember really well
2 A gift from a friend
3 A gift from your family
4 A hobby of yours
5 A letter to an old Crush
6 A magazine you like
7 A photo of your night
8 A photo of your parent(s)
9 A photo that best demonstrates the word “Abundance”
10 A photo that makes you happy
11 A photo that makes you sad
12 A picture in your room
13 A picture of a favorite memory
14 A picture of a most treasured item
15 A picture of a random item that you own
16 A picture of someone who inspires you
17 A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
18 A picture of someone you miss
19 A picture of someone you would like to trade places with for a day
20 A picture of something that's made a huge impact on your life recently
21 A picture of something you love
22 A picture of something you want to do before you die
23 A picture of something you wish you could change
24 A picture of something you wish you could forget
25 A picture of something you wish you were better at
26 A picture of something you're afraid of
27 A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
28 A picture of the 5 things you would bring if you were stranded on a deserted island
29 A picture of the best moment of your life
30 A picture of the cast of the cast of your favorite show
31 A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
32 A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with
33 A picture of what you wished your room looked like
34 A picture of what you'll be doing tomorrow
35 A picture of where you wish you were right now
36 A picture of the person you have been closest with the longest
37 A picture of you and your best friend
38 A picture of you doing something you love
39 A picture of your ‘other half'
40 A picture of your biggest insecurity
41 A picture of your cell phone
42 A picture of your dream car
43 A picture of your dream house
44 A picture of your favorite band or artist
45 A picture of your favorite cartoon character
46 A picture of your favorite Disney character
47 A picture of your favorite holiday
48 A picture of your favorite piece of jewelry
49 A picture of your favorite sport or favorite athlete
50 A picture of your favorite state
51 A picture of yourself and a family member
52 A picture of yourself from middle school
53 A picture of yourself from years ago
54 A picture that makes you laugh
55 A place that makes you happy
56 A place where you spend a lot of time
57 A place you went today
58 A pretty flower (yes go take a picture of a flower)
59 A prized possession
60 A room in your house
61 A school picture
62 A stuffed animal
63 A talent of yours
64 A ticket from somewhere you've been
65 A useless trinket you own
66 An embarrassing picture from your childhood
67 Dream job
68 Everything inside your purse/backpack/wallet
69 Favorite board game
70 Favorite book that you own
71 Favorite CD that you own
72 Favorite childhood book
73 Favorite movie that you own
74 Favorite One Hit Wonder Song
75 Favorite Places to shop
76 Favorite purchase ever made
77 Last movie you watched
78 Last place you traveled to
79 Provide pictures of your celebrity crushes
80 Share your favorite recipe
81 Someone in your family
82 Someone that changed your life
83 Something Blue
84 Something Green
85 Something heart shaped
86 Something passed down from your parents/grandparents
87 Something Pink
88 Something Purple
89 Something Red
90 Something that annoys you
91 Something that fascinates you and why
92 Something that made you smile today
93 Something that makes you feel accomplished
94 Something weird in your house
95 Something Yellow
96 Something you baked
97 Something you borrowed from someone else
98 Something you collect
99 Something you did today
100 Something you drew
101 Something you found under your bed
102 Something you hold dear to your heart
103 Something You love
104 Something you made
105 Something you really dislike
106 Something your mom bought you
107 The last restaurant you ate at
108 The last thing that you bought
109 The moon tonight
110 The most embarrassing thing in your closet
111 The shirt you wore today
112 The shoes you wore today
113 The view from your bedroom window
114 The weather outside
115 What you're craving right now
116 What you're wearing today
117 Whatever tickles your fancy
118 What's in your fridge?
119 You and a friend
120 Your breakfast
121 Your childhood home
122 Your favorite animal
123 Your favorite book
124 Your favorite childhood movie
125 Your favorite food
126 Your favorite nail polish color
127 Your favorite outfit
128 Your favorite picture
129 Your favorite quote, in your handwriting
130 Your favorite television program
131 Your guilty pleasure
132 Your least favorite chore
133 Your lunch
134 Your most used electronic device
135 Your sunglasses

You have however long it takes you to complete this list. Create a photo folder on Facebook and have fun. Post in whatever order you want, just be sure to label the pictures.

Does It Get Better?

So yesterday was my 39th birthday. Ugh! The LAST year of my 30's and according to my coworkers, my LAST good year. "It's all downhill from here on" they say. Yeah, thanks for the pep talk.

I started the day to find a text message from my Dad letting me know my Mom was in the hospital and I find out my Mom had a heart attack. Not news I ever want to hear, but even more so on your birthday. We're hoping it was a mild one and she will be okay.

I teach AWANA on Wednesdays so I had a great night with the kids, got huge group hugs and loved on and sang too a couple times (once by the youth group). After AWANA, my husband and I did what we do EVERY Wednesday after AWANA. We went out to dinner together. Normally it's something cheap like Wendy's or Del Taco. But Jim decided it should be a nicer dinner because of my birthday, so we went to Lonestar Steakhouse. It was a nice dinner until I got another text message from my 19yo daughter. "Thanks for the invite to your birthday dinner? Guess I don't matter...?"

I said sorry and told her she matters. She does. She means the world to me. Before Jim and I married, for many years she was pretty much my world. But since becoming a driver, she has always done her own thing. She told me last night in her sadness and anger that she sometimes feels like she just lives with us, but isn't part of the family. I have to agree that many times I feel the same way, but not for the same reasons as her.

Allyson's friends & boyfriend mean the world to her, not so much her family. Every now & again she will put something nice about me on Facebook, or back in high school she sang a song she dedicated to me at one of her final choir shows. I know she loves me, but the displays of affection can be few & far between. I was the same way at her age, so I shouldn't be surprised. She has something going pretty much every night of the week. College group for our church, school, leading youth group, and three nights a week with Crave. All good things, but nevertheless, she is rarely home. So last night when we didn't call her to come with us to dinner, I honestly didn't think to ask her. That's sad in two ways. 1) I have just gotten used to her not being around so I wasn't surprised that she hadn't talked to Jim about doing anything for my birthday, or getting a little money from him to do something for me and 2) I shouldn't ever give up on trying to get her to do things with us. I should keep asking even if it means she says no the majority of the time.

She's possibly going on 2 mission trips this summer. I am really proud of her for her desire to go and for her fearlessness in going into Mexico and Haiti. But part of me hopes she comes home from these trips with a changed outlook. She takes SO much for granted. She drives a beautiful car that she only pays gas for, we pay everything else. She is getting a college education but I worry about her sticking it out & finishing because she has so much going on I never see her studying and I know her grades could be better if she applied herself a little more (I was guilty of that too at her age). She is very disrespectful of me much of the time, and it bothers me. It's hard for me, because I know she loves the Lord, and I know she loves kids and will be a great help for the time she is in Haiti. But it sure would be nice if she would occasionally give me the time of day.

Lately this is our interaction, if I see her in the mornings, she is not a morning person, never has been. So talking to her in the morning means short, tight lipped annoyed responses. In the evenings if she happens to be home for a quick dinner, she is usually watching something on the DVR she has recorded and if I talk she pauses the DVR and looks at me annoyed or tells me "I'm trying to watch this!" On weekends we sometimes have some time. She tells me about her friends and life and different topics, but if I talk about something she isn't interested in, she is quick to shut me down. If she sticks around after church we offer to take her & Eric out to lunch and sometimes they come. If they come over to our house, they stake a claim on the couch & TV and Jim and I are generally then stuck in our room until the kids ask "What's for dinner?"

So what is the point of this long blog? We are unfortunately typical parents/teens. But we can do better if we BOTH try a little harder. So, I will do better to keep asking, even if it means that when she does go out to eat with us she wants to leave as soon as we're done instead of enjoying each others company and chatting, etc. I just have to remember, I was a teen once too, and unfortunately treated my parents the same way. I love my parents very much now as an adult and I have a much better respect for all they put up with. So maybe in a decade Allyson might have a better appreciation of us. If so, then life past 39 can't be all downhill. I have that to look forward to someday!

Loving My Pretty Food

So one of my co-workers is friends with a nutritionist, which got me a free hour long session to discuss my eating habits. I have lost 20 pounds, but it is going slower than I would like. As long as the scale keeps moving backwards, this is good. But I would like to see that scale moving a little quicker. I have been really good about my workouts, so I know it was my eating. She was fairly pleased with my portions, but I was eating Lean Cuisine's and Smart Ones which kept my portions and calories in check, but I was also loading myself up on processed food, chemicals and sodium. So I am taking the time to prepare healthy lunches.

I am kind of digging it because I enjoy pretty food. Oh c'mon, admit it, you probably do too! Pretty food is appealing and satisfying. I spent $30 at a CSA for a ton of fresh organic veggies and fruits and a little under $70 at Trader Joes for the rest.

Yes, eating healthier can be a little expensive, but what is the cost to my health of continuing to eat crap? I choose to spend on nutritious food and invest in myself.

I am eating more often to keep myself from binging. I eat breakfast at 7:30-7:45a.m. Today was Chobani greek yogurt with fresh blueberries and blackberries thrown in.

Then have a snack around 10:30 - 11a.m. today was some dried Turkish apricots and baby carrots.

I eat lunch at 1p.m., today was 7 triscuits with some laughing cow cheese, a Spinach salad with fresh strawberries and some shelled edamame with some balsamic vinegar and 5oz. of tuna, skim milk and some fresh fruit.

Then I have another snack at 4 so that I have a little fuel before my after work workouts. Orowheat Healthful 10 bread with a little Nutella and banana. YUM!

I took pictures of my pretty food today to give you a sampling of what your missing! All of this food was only about 1100 calories. So I can still have a decent dinner and maybe a pudding cup for dessert when I get home :)