God is so good, He's so good to me!

God is SO good. My husband got a job offer this morning from Saddleback College working in their Maintenance & Transportation department. It’s a great job making more than he was at his last job and has M-F hours of 8:00 to 4:30. That has been a big answer to prayer, a job with hours that don’t interfere with our ministry at church.

This past almost 2 years of his unemployment have been a struggle, but it’s also been a good time of testing of our faith in God. Our timing is not His timing. If we had been given our way, God would have given him a job right away, but instead we had to just keep our faith & trust in Him. He was so good to provide for us over this season of unemployment. He provided me an internal muzzle! I didn’t want to become “that” wife. You know the kind, the wife who constantly nags her husband and tries to usurp his role as head of the household while she’s the one making the income. I did my best to make sure Jim was the man of the house, the spiritual head and I tried to encourage him often that things would work out. I think our marriage grew stronger during this time while many others in the same position fell apart.

Looking back, we’ve had an amazing 2 years. Allyson graduated from high school in June of 2009 and was able to go on a cruise with her show choir that April. She started college and the expense is all on us since she is over 18 and child support is over. We’ve been able to afford the fees for her units and books, etc. Allyson had her accident last Fall, and thankfully we have been able to maintain our full coverage insurance and we were able to get her a new car (with some assist from her paternal grandparents, praise the Lord). I was able to take a small loan from work with SUPER LOW interest so we paid off 7 bills and invested in our marriage by buying into a time share and we are taking a cruise to Alaska this coming June.

If we hadn’t had this season… I can honestly say our marriage is stronger, our faith is stronger and we are stronger as a family. And we have a testimony about God’s enduring faithfulness.

Funny how God works, huh?

Looking Forward With Hope To 2011

I am really glad to shake off the cobwebs of 2010! 2010 was a tough year for me. I struggled with depression, anxiety and my husbands unemployment. It's been hard to keep trusting in God when it's been so long. It's not that Jim's not trying, he's applied for hundreds of jobs but was having no luck. This week he has had 6 interviews and has a few scheduled for next week. I am hoping that at least one of these will result in a job offer.

We put a hold on our gym membership to save money, so I need to start using the free gym here at work. I've had a cold I need to get rid of first. I plan on using the gym during my lunch hours or after work. Not sure how busy it gets during those times. I would really like to find a decent treadmill and elliptical to buy to use at home. Then no more gym membership needed and we can all make use of it.

I got a Nook Color e-reader and have it loaded up with approx. 75 free books so far. Free reading for 2011 and beyond! There are so many great classics you can download for free. Some I read back in high school when they made me read them. It was hard to read the books for pure enjoyment when you were so focused on the symbolism, hidden meanings, etc. I recently re-read the Grapes of Wrath and really enjoyed it. Being older, and going through the current economic depression we are going through, gives you an appreciation for how good we still have it in the big scheme of things. I also discovered the entire Wizard of Oz series. Did you know L. Frank Baum actually wrote 14 books in the series? I have downloaded them all. Plus many from Jane Austen, Charlotte & Emily Bronte, Alexander Dumas, Charles Dickens, etc.

I also got a new Bible from my husband. It's the Life Application Study Bible. I had it in the NIV, but my favorite is the NASB and they just finally offered it in that translation. I LOVE IT. He got me a black leather Bible with gold edged pages, SO NICE!

Jim & I have our cruise to Alaska in June. We pre-paid for it ages ago, and I am so glad it's coming up. Yes, we could have paid a bill down, but we chose to invest in our marriage. I refuse to be one of those couples who always dreams of traveling together but never does. Alaska is one of our dream vacations and we plan to go to London and Paris in a couple years with Allyson, Jim's Mom, and Diane and Scott. Checking off some bucket list items!

Quit Being Okay With Not Being Okay

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I was reading a Sheila Walsh book. I put it down for quite some time I must admit, because it is painful reading it. But today I soaked in my tub and read some more. Does soaking in the tub while reading something make it sink in more? Maybe.

This is a quote that is included in the book. "No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourself so. If you find yourself so loaded, at least remember this: it is your own doing, not God's. He begs you to leave the future to him and mind the present." George MacDonald

That really sunk in! How true is that?! She also has a short visual called "Take Another Look"

Imagine for a moment a beautiful church building. It is a traditional structure, and sunlight spills through the stained-glass windows. The church is full, the choir is singing a closing song, and the pastor looks down at his notes, critically reflecting on the effectiveness of his message. He sighs from a deep place inside of him. You scan the congregation. There are people here of all shapes and sizes, all ages. Suddenly it's as if the lighting has changed and the whole scene shifts. Instead of seeing what's on the outside of each man, woman, and child, you see the burdens they are carrying. You see the wounds and scars they try so hard to hide. You see the truth, and it is shocking. You are even more alarmed when you realize the service has ended and everyone intends to leave like that. Part of you wants to cry out, "Don't leave yet! Don't take those burdens home with you! Stay for a while and let Jesus heal those wounded places." But no one can hear you. Soon, everyone is gone. This happens every Sunday in churches all over. We don't get to see that picture, but God sees it every moment of every day. Have we forgotten that there is a better way to live? Some of our wounds are so deep that they are simply part of us now. But we need to unburden ourselves and lay our struggles at the foot of the cross.

Enough for now. I've got some unburdening to do.

Waiting For Our Life To Be Our Own

Everytime the Holidays roll around, I get so melancholy. I used to LOVE the Holidays, but living with my MIL has stripped some of that joy. I know I am losing focus on what the Holidays are truly about and I need to work on that.

I cannot wait to decorate my home how I want it decorated and create our own traditions. My MIL collects Santas and I kid you not, she literally has hundreds of them. We remove family photos and box them up to make room for them to go in every nook and cranny all over the place. Yes, it is festive looking, and yes, my husband likes it too, but ARGH!!! I want a REAL tree and I want to come home from work and snuggle with my husband on our own couch, in our own decorated place and not feel like I take second place. Ever since we married, we decorate every year with a dozen huge plastic bins full of her things. Everything seems to have its place, but I feel out of place.

I asked my husband last night if he honestly thinks we will ever move out. He answered emphatically YES. He is hoping that when he is able to get a job that we can move out next summer. Oh I hope so!!! We paid a bunch of bills off, which is impressive since he's been out of work for almost 2 years. But we just keep plugging away and have 7 bills gone I believe.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to a craft fair for my friend. I was looking forward to it, but didn't end up going. MIL is sick with a really bad cold and Jim ended up going with her to the urgent care. Yes, he's a good son and I told him to go ahead and take her, that I would skip the fair. But there are many other occasions where she seems to have his attention and I feel second. I thought when we got married it meant that he picked me...but the whole leave your parents and cleave to your wife thing didn't quite happen for us since we've never left.

Trust

I got a book from the author Sheila Walsh that is all about learning to truly trust in God. Man, do I need to read this and learn from it. I have been struggling with this issue for many years, but much more recently. My husband is going on almost 2 years without a job. God has been so good & provided for us during his unemployment with the EDD checks. But those checks are gonna run out really soon. I'm getting really stressed out about what's gonna happen when we don't have those unemployment checks coming.

I REALLY don't want to keep living with his mother. It shouldn't be. When you get married you are supposed to leave your mother & father and cleave to your spouse, but in our case, the cord was never cut. It's a daily struggle for me to balance being a wife, mother and daughter in law, when I am so resentful of our living situation.

I had a co-worker from another office tell me that Jim & I shouldn't have gotten married if we can't afford to live alone. It really pissed me off at the time, but I can't help but think about that sometimes. I love my husband, and I don't regret marrying him, but I wonder if we had waited to marry until we could afford to live on our own...would we be married? Would Jim have maybe worked harder knowing I wouldn't say "I Do" until we had our own place? Have we lived so long with her that he's just gotten too comfortable with this arrangement? I can't continue like this. I really need him to get a good paying job and get our finances and priorities in check so we can one day experience living on our own. I live in fear of never having that. I don't want to live with resentment and regrets for the rest of my life. I hate that a word that is supposed to not be in my vocabulary is creeping into my thoughts the longer this goes on.

Lord help me fight these negative thoughts and stay strong & cling to You. I have to trust in God to pull us through this season of our lives. I need to trust that God has a job somewhere out there for Jim. I have to trust in that, because right now my trust is shot in ever getting out of here without some divine intervention. Something that was supposed to be a year has been 8. FRUSTRATED, ANGRY, BITTER, RESENTFUL and really hate feeling this way.

Double Digits Have Been Achieved!!!

So I am down 10 pounds! Double digits!!! You know, I am so excited about that fact, but I am even more excited to give all the glory to God. Seriously, because I have very little willpower when it comes to food. I have always been at one extreme or the other; eating too much or way too little. But I am eating between 1500-1800 calories a day, feeling full & satisfied and I am losing the weight. I have walked into the cafeteria at work while the cook had the entire flat top covered with cooking bacon and I was able to appreciate the wonderful smell, but just walk through to fill up my water bottle and walk away. Yep, that victory belongs to God, because if left to my own will…I SO would have bought some bacon!

Cool thing!!! A woman that is in my small group but who has been traveling for the past few weeks, saw me at church and said “Are you losing weight?” YES!!! YES I AM!!!! But I had an opportunity to share with her how I am doing it and she told me it was definitely a Divine appointment that I told her how I am doing it. She too struggles with her weight like so many of us do. But I told her that I am not doing any specific diet, no pills, fads, etc. I am watching what I eat and making very conscious decisions about what I put in my mouth. “Is this good for me?” “Is there nutritional value to this?” “Will this nourish me?” Because if it doesn’t meet that, why do I want to put it in my body? I want to break the cycle of self loathing I have had because I overeat foods that are processed, fried, filled with empty calories and no nutritional value. You feel disgusting after you eat them, you unbuckle your pants or wear elastic pants to hide the bloat. And then the same conversation over and over in my head “Why did you eat that? I will NEVER do that again”…until the next time I do!

I have been packing my lunch just about every day the past few weeks. I am very intentional when I shop and when I pack my lunches. I make sure to pack colorful attractive things, like a beautiful red & gold fuji or gala apple, some bright green sugar snap peas (YUM!!!) a bowl of flavorful soup, or a green salad with some tuna, juicy tomatoes and some garbanzo beans, or maybe a sandwich with whole grain bread and lots of produce added. I even bought some light provolone to have an enjoyable piece of cheese vs. a processed piece of fat free orange “stuff”. I am enjoying the variety of meals I am packing. When I used to go out to eat it was typically Taco Bell, Chinese food or a burger joint. I almost never went to Subway. That is the one place I have gone last week for lunch and I thoroughly enjoyed my turkey & avocado 6” sub.

Before I eat, and throughout the day I thank God for giving me fullness, not just in my stomach. I have been guilty of eating too much in the past because I was trying to fill up holes in my life only God can fill, like my head and my heart. I am no longer eating to fill any voids, I am asking God to keep changing me, to confront me with areas I need to submit and trust in Him to change me into a new creation. These three songs have lyrics that just really speak to the changes I am going through and my daily reliance on God to carry me through it all. Check them out if you aren't familiar with them. GREAT MUSIC!

The Stand by Hillsong United

You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours


The Only Hope by Bebo Norman

I want to run, it's my nature to run
And I want to fight, it's my nature to fight
And I want to live, but You tell me to die
I have resolved that I'm much better off
In Your hands than mine

I want a crumb, but You are a feast
I want a song, but You are a symphony
I want a star, but You are a galaxy

And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what You have for me
I'm begging You to hold on tight
Begging You to hold on tight
Begging You to hold on tight
Begging You to take my life from me
So tell me You won't let go
Tell me You won't let go
Cause You are the only hope for me

Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more


From the Inside Out – Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace

In my heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out

Connection Has Been Made

I have struggled with my weight for years. I am ashamed to say I have gained 70 pounds in the last 8 years. I know my exact weight from my wedding day and I realize I have gained just under 10 lbs. per year of my marriage. That works out to less than a pound a month, so I see how it just crept up. My husband loves fried food, burgers and pizza. So to accomodate his likes, I have changed my habits to his bad ones and I have eaten horribly since we got married. But you know what, I can't blame him. I am an adult and I made poor choices to get to where I am. I have to take ownership of my situation and resolve to do something about it.

I have been desiring to finally get serious about losing weight for the last month or so. I am just kind of disgusted with myself (but in a good way). Is there a good way of being disgusted with yourself? Hmm. I have always wanted some quick fix. I have bought diet pills, shakes, etc. I definitely don't EVER want to get a gastric bypass, but I really was mad that Kaiser Permanente won't cover the costs for a Lap Band. But you know what? I don't want the Lap Band. I don't want surgery. I don't want to have some foreign object stuck in my body, possible complications, constant maintenance, etc. I don't want to not be able to enjoy an actual meal with my husband or my family at the Holidays. I don't want to have to permanently eliminate foods from my diet.

Anyways, I have really felt God pushing me to think of the real reasons I have gained so much weight. There is no magic pill. I need to pray and seek Gods help in helping me to let go of all the shame, guilt & issues I have. I have to actually give it all to Him. That right there is a big weight I carry around that is SO unneccesary.

I attended the Women of Faith conference last weekend in Anaheim, CA. Many of the speakers really got to me. God spoke through them and I finally heard and made the connection. I need to completely trust in God and let go of my will. I keep thinking "...some day" "I'll start later", etc. But nothing is guaranteed. So I started! No more excuses. I even was able to make an appointment first thing Monday morning for lab work. I fasted Sunday night and went in to the docs first thing on Monday and I am so happy that my cholesterol and glucose are GREAT! That was a burden removed. Now I know that my weight loss efforts are going to make my numbers even better. I haven't done major damage yet.

I have already lost 6 lbs. this week! I know it won't keep coming off that fast, but it is a very encouraging start. My goal is to be fit & fabulous by 40. I have 553 days until I am 40. That's a lot of time to make it happen. No excuses!

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.