The Lifter of My Head

I teach a group of 3rd thru 6th grade girls in an AWANA class at my church. I have discovered that apparently, eight years old is when the way others see you begins to trump everything else.

I'm hearing a lot of words lately from these girls regarding their developing awareness that other people may not think they are as amazing as their family does and that I think they are.

Suddenly, she's hearing a lot of junk from the world. No more double ponytails for her, since she was told she looks like she has puppy ears. No more wearing certain clothes because she has been told they are "babyish". One of her “best” friends likes to point out that she is last in completing her math every day. I can see the wheels turning; thinking that must say something about who she is. She's never before been self-conscious or afraid of being unique before. Overnight, it seems, everyone else's perception of her really, really matters. And by everyone else, I mean lots of other small children who are starting to uproot everything their parents and religious instructors have tried to plant for the last eight years in her tender self-image.

I sometimes get tired of it all. Tired of her feeling the fight to determine who she is and “whose” she is. I want to take her face with both my palms, lift up her head to mine and firmly say, "You don't have to be anything but yourself. You were created to be exactly who you are, and God is so proud of what He's created. Don't ever forget that."

You and I are assaulted by the same junk from the world every day. But we're more immune to it. Right? Now that we're grown ups? You and I would never be swayed by the opinions of handfuls of people who don't really even know us. Who cares what the neighbor says, or the annoyed cashier, or the mother of the wild child, or the aloof teacher. Nothing they could say or do could tear us away from believing how beautiful and unique we really are. Right?

Yeah, right. We don't do half the fighting we should to protect truth in our hearts about ourselves. The world kicks me around, and most of the time, I'm too busy or distracted to kick back. "You haven’t lost any weight yet?" "You don't know about Prop such and such?" "You aren't going to the fundraiser?" "You didn't finish your Bible Study this week?" And the negativity starts to seep in around my unprotected heart. I can start to reel, feeling like a bad mother, a bad homemaker, a bad wife, a bad anything! Some days, a bad EVERYTHING.

But then God gently speaks to me in the form of an old hymn…

“Thou, O Lord,
are a shield about me.
You're my glory.
You're the lifter of my head.”

It reminded me what Jesus does. He is the good parent who gets tired of watching me lose the battle for my identity. He grabs my face in His gentle, scarred palms. He lifts my head to look me in the eyes, and says, "You don't have to be anything but yourself. You were created to be exactly who you are, and I'm so proud of you. Don't ever forget that." His kindness sucks me in. His kindness is what makes me want to follow, and grow, and follow some more.

I love who I am when I let Jesus define me. But it takes a stopping and a listening. He is the lifter of my head, and I let Him see me. Then I listen in my heart to what He sees. His love for me is the shield about me, my glory, and the only thing that will protect me the next time I walk out the door.

But You, O LORD, are a shield about me,
My glory, and the One who lifts my head.
Psalm 3:3

Find What Makes You Tick

My husband and I have a college student we’ve kind of been mentoring for some time. He helps us on Sunday mornings to set up all the sound equipment and he fills in for me with the screens when needed. He also joined our leadership team for AWANA this past year when he graduated from high school. He’s a really good kid and I am excited to see him step up and be active as an adult at church. He came to camp with us last summer as an assistant leader and this year he will be the main leader for the boys, since Jim & Mark won’t be able to attend this year.

We recently had an event this past Saturday that was poorly attended. I realize we have a lot of kids who play sports, so that accounts for some of the absences, but not all. We even had leaders who didn’t come and didn’t say anything to us about why they didn’t come. A few told us beforehand of moves, illness, etc. and we were aware they wouldn’t be able to make it. For the leaders who did make it, we were all a bit frustrated at the lack of “life” at church lately. We didn’t gossip, we tried to think constructively about the many programs at church and what seems to be working or not. In the book of James, Chapter 2, we learn that “faith without works is dead”. It is said that in many churches there are a group of about 20% who do 80% of the work. In our church, it seems to be shifting more to 10% doing 90%. There is a small dedicated group of people doing the majority of the sweat equity. We are tired.

The past couple of years I have really been doing my best to “Let my yes be yes and my no be no”. It’s hard to do when you see so many needs around you. But I feel God has called me directly to make an impact on His kingdom by working with the young kids at church. So Awana and Junior Camp are my main focus. I also really enjoy serving on the worship team at church putting together slides and running them during the service. It’s a way for me to be a part of something with my husband as well.

I KNOW without a doubt that God has a way for each & EVERY member of my church to serve. We just have so many people showing up on Sunday mornings only as “the frozen chosen”. I know many of them used to be very active in their service. But I don’t know where in the Bible it ever says we get to retire after a certain number of years? I choose to follow the example most of my Fathers family set, I will serve the Lord until God calls me home. My grandparents did much for their church through years of dedication to the Lord by giving of their time and finances. My Great Aunt Ellie never married and was a busy gal serving in many ways. My Great Uncle Bernard shared his faith with others in his nursing home until the end and my Great Uncle Erman was a Pastor and Teacher all his adult life.

We might need to slow down a bit, but never stop entirely. There is a group of older women at my church, mainly widows, who are very active. They put many younger people to shame with the amount of time and energy they give. I admire them tremendously. They have found ways to continue to serve, set examples for younger members and roll with the punches life throws at you as we age.

There are literally hundreds of jobs to do at church, ways to serve, ways to make an impact for the kingdom. I am not angry at those who don’t serve, but sad for them. They are truly missing out. When you find a ministry that is what you are gifted to do, it’s not work, it is pure joy. Until then, keep on trying things out until you find your niche.

God is so good, He's so good to me!

God is SO good. My husband got a job offer this morning from Saddleback College working in their Maintenance & Transportation department. It’s a great job making more than he was at his last job and has M-F hours of 8:00 to 4:30. That has been a big answer to prayer, a job with hours that don’t interfere with our ministry at church.

This past almost 2 years of his unemployment have been a struggle, but it’s also been a good time of testing of our faith in God. Our timing is not His timing. If we had been given our way, God would have given him a job right away, but instead we had to just keep our faith & trust in Him. He was so good to provide for us over this season of unemployment. He provided me an internal muzzle! I didn’t want to become “that” wife. You know the kind, the wife who constantly nags her husband and tries to usurp his role as head of the household while she’s the one making the income. I did my best to make sure Jim was the man of the house, the spiritual head and I tried to encourage him often that things would work out. I think our marriage grew stronger during this time while many others in the same position fell apart.

Looking back, we’ve had an amazing 2 years. Allyson graduated from high school in June of 2009 and was able to go on a cruise with her show choir that April. She started college and the expense is all on us since she is over 18 and child support is over. We’ve been able to afford the fees for her units and books, etc. Allyson had her accident last Fall, and thankfully we have been able to maintain our full coverage insurance and we were able to get her a new car (with some assist from her paternal grandparents, praise the Lord). I was able to take a small loan from work with SUPER LOW interest so we paid off 7 bills and invested in our marriage by buying into a time share and we are taking a cruise to Alaska this coming June.

If we hadn’t had this season… I can honestly say our marriage is stronger, our faith is stronger and we are stronger as a family. And we have a testimony about God’s enduring faithfulness.

Funny how God works, huh?

Looking Forward With Hope To 2011

I am really glad to shake off the cobwebs of 2010! 2010 was a tough year for me. I struggled with depression, anxiety and my husbands unemployment. It's been hard to keep trusting in God when it's been so long. It's not that Jim's not trying, he's applied for hundreds of jobs but was having no luck. This week he has had 6 interviews and has a few scheduled for next week. I am hoping that at least one of these will result in a job offer.

We put a hold on our gym membership to save money, so I need to start using the free gym here at work. I've had a cold I need to get rid of first. I plan on using the gym during my lunch hours or after work. Not sure how busy it gets during those times. I would really like to find a decent treadmill and elliptical to buy to use at home. Then no more gym membership needed and we can all make use of it.

I got a Nook Color e-reader and have it loaded up with approx. 75 free books so far. Free reading for 2011 and beyond! There are so many great classics you can download for free. Some I read back in high school when they made me read them. It was hard to read the books for pure enjoyment when you were so focused on the symbolism, hidden meanings, etc. I recently re-read the Grapes of Wrath and really enjoyed it. Being older, and going through the current economic depression we are going through, gives you an appreciation for how good we still have it in the big scheme of things. I also discovered the entire Wizard of Oz series. Did you know L. Frank Baum actually wrote 14 books in the series? I have downloaded them all. Plus many from Jane Austen, Charlotte & Emily Bronte, Alexander Dumas, Charles Dickens, etc.

I also got a new Bible from my husband. It's the Life Application Study Bible. I had it in the NIV, but my favorite is the NASB and they just finally offered it in that translation. I LOVE IT. He got me a black leather Bible with gold edged pages, SO NICE!

Jim & I have our cruise to Alaska in June. We pre-paid for it ages ago, and I am so glad it's coming up. Yes, we could have paid a bill down, but we chose to invest in our marriage. I refuse to be one of those couples who always dreams of traveling together but never does. Alaska is one of our dream vacations and we plan to go to London and Paris in a couple years with Allyson, Jim's Mom, and Diane and Scott. Checking off some bucket list items!

Quit Being Okay With Not Being Okay

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I was reading a Sheila Walsh book. I put it down for quite some time I must admit, because it is painful reading it. But today I soaked in my tub and read some more. Does soaking in the tub while reading something make it sink in more? Maybe.

This is a quote that is included in the book. "No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourself so. If you find yourself so loaded, at least remember this: it is your own doing, not God's. He begs you to leave the future to him and mind the present." George MacDonald

That really sunk in! How true is that?! She also has a short visual called "Take Another Look"

Imagine for a moment a beautiful church building. It is a traditional structure, and sunlight spills through the stained-glass windows. The church is full, the choir is singing a closing song, and the pastor looks down at his notes, critically reflecting on the effectiveness of his message. He sighs from a deep place inside of him. You scan the congregation. There are people here of all shapes and sizes, all ages. Suddenly it's as if the lighting has changed and the whole scene shifts. Instead of seeing what's on the outside of each man, woman, and child, you see the burdens they are carrying. You see the wounds and scars they try so hard to hide. You see the truth, and it is shocking. You are even more alarmed when you realize the service has ended and everyone intends to leave like that. Part of you wants to cry out, "Don't leave yet! Don't take those burdens home with you! Stay for a while and let Jesus heal those wounded places." But no one can hear you. Soon, everyone is gone. This happens every Sunday in churches all over. We don't get to see that picture, but God sees it every moment of every day. Have we forgotten that there is a better way to live? Some of our wounds are so deep that they are simply part of us now. But we need to unburden ourselves and lay our struggles at the foot of the cross.

Enough for now. I've got some unburdening to do.

Waiting For Our Life To Be Our Own

Everytime the Holidays roll around, I get so melancholy. I used to LOVE the Holidays, but living with my MIL has stripped some of that joy. I know I am losing focus on what the Holidays are truly about and I need to work on that.

I cannot wait to decorate my home how I want it decorated and create our own traditions. My MIL collects Santas and I kid you not, she literally has hundreds of them. We remove family photos and box them up to make room for them to go in every nook and cranny all over the place. Yes, it is festive looking, and yes, my husband likes it too, but ARGH!!! I want a REAL tree and I want to come home from work and snuggle with my husband on our own couch, in our own decorated place and not feel like I take second place. Ever since we married, we decorate every year with a dozen huge plastic bins full of her things. Everything seems to have its place, but I feel out of place.

I asked my husband last night if he honestly thinks we will ever move out. He answered emphatically YES. He is hoping that when he is able to get a job that we can move out next summer. Oh I hope so!!! We paid a bunch of bills off, which is impressive since he's been out of work for almost 2 years. But we just keep plugging away and have 7 bills gone I believe.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to a craft fair for my friend. I was looking forward to it, but didn't end up going. MIL is sick with a really bad cold and Jim ended up going with her to the urgent care. Yes, he's a good son and I told him to go ahead and take her, that I would skip the fair. But there are many other occasions where she seems to have his attention and I feel second. I thought when we got married it meant that he picked me...but the whole leave your parents and cleave to your wife thing didn't quite happen for us since we've never left.

Trust

I got a book from the author Sheila Walsh that is all about learning to truly trust in God. Man, do I need to read this and learn from it. I have been struggling with this issue for many years, but much more recently. My husband is going on almost 2 years without a job. God has been so good & provided for us during his unemployment with the EDD checks. But those checks are gonna run out really soon. I'm getting really stressed out about what's gonna happen when we don't have those unemployment checks coming.

I REALLY don't want to keep living with his mother. It shouldn't be. When you get married you are supposed to leave your mother & father and cleave to your spouse, but in our case, the cord was never cut. It's a daily struggle for me to balance being a wife, mother and daughter in law, when I am so resentful of our living situation.

I had a co-worker from another office tell me that Jim & I shouldn't have gotten married if we can't afford to live alone. It really pissed me off at the time, but I can't help but think about that sometimes. I love my husband, and I don't regret marrying him, but I wonder if we had waited to marry until we could afford to live on our own...would we be married? Would Jim have maybe worked harder knowing I wouldn't say "I Do" until we had our own place? Have we lived so long with her that he's just gotten too comfortable with this arrangement? I can't continue like this. I really need him to get a good paying job and get our finances and priorities in check so we can one day experience living on our own. I live in fear of never having that. I don't want to live with resentment and regrets for the rest of my life. I hate that a word that is supposed to not be in my vocabulary is creeping into my thoughts the longer this goes on.

Lord help me fight these negative thoughts and stay strong & cling to You. I have to trust in God to pull us through this season of our lives. I need to trust that God has a job somewhere out there for Jim. I have to trust in that, because right now my trust is shot in ever getting out of here without some divine intervention. Something that was supposed to be a year has been 8. FRUSTRATED, ANGRY, BITTER, RESENTFUL and really hate feeling this way.